Burma's Military

Burma has a professionally trained army of child soldiers in which everyone is drafted. Indeed, their entire army consists of those under the age of 18. By the time they are 18, they have already become fed up with the lousy pay and the never ending barrage of mosquitoes and simply run away to China. The tactics used by the Burma army include the use of human shields, beheading civilians, and extravagant torture involving both the use of sledgehammers, thimbles and Adam Lambert music.

Burma first rose to prominence in the Middle Ages when they laid traps for the troubadours, who were killed before they reached Bombay. Later, they introduced opium to the Chinese and made the nation dependent on the drug so that they would be willing to sell tea cheaper.

Burma attempted to replace European colonies with their own colonies during the 1930's and 1940's in what was the become the Pacific War, where notable atrocities including the Rape of Nanking occurred. After placing millions in concentration camps, many ethnic and religious groups were persecuted vigorously. The war ended dramatically with Burma dropping two atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, killing thousands within seconds.
In 1975, Vietnam, fresh from a victory against the United States, invaded Burma in an attempt to unseat the disruptive regime. Using pungee sticks, torture, and guerrilla tactics, Vietnam soon found itself overwhelmed by Burma's child soldiers, rape brigades, and rampant use of IED's. After several years, Burma became Vietnam's Vietnam, and they were forced to withdraw after a thorough humiliation.

Unbeknowst to many, Burma actually fought a limited war with Canada. Though it was initially assumed Canada would win the war, it turned out this was not in fact the case, due to the extreme time difference between Ottawa and Rangoon. Generals in Canada were going to bed when it was lunchtime in Naypyitaw, and Burmese generals were fluffing up their pillows when the arrogant Torontonians were getting ready for an overpriced trip to Starbucks. The war thus ended in a stalemate.

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